Fellowring of the Ship
by katriel1987
Summary: In the end, it seemed that the Balrog and Galadriel did agree on one subject.


**title:** Fellowring of the Ship

**summary:** In the end, it seemed that the Balrog and Galadriel did agree on one subject.

**warnings:** Complete and utter insanity? Large amounts of crack?

**notes:** I can't believe I'm even posting this. I wrote it ages ago, and found it while going through some of my older stuff. It's a movie-based parody of the scene where the Fellowship arrives in Lothlorien. I have no excuse nor explanation. Um...enjoy?

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"Welcome, Fellow of the Ringship," Galadriel said creepily, staring at Frodo with her creepy blue eyes.

"Um...I think you meant Fellowship of the Ring?" Frodo suggested timidly, creeped out by her utter creepiness. Elf-witch indeed.

/I'm not an Elf-witch!/ Galadriel shouted into his head. /I would be careful were I you, Halfling. The last creature to call me an Elf-witch melted, screaming, into a puff of blue smoke./

Frodo didn't dare even _think_ about the incredible irony of that statement.

/And I _meant_ to say Fellow of the Ringship!/ She continued. /A High Elf does not misspeak! A High Elf says precisely what he means to!/

/You just referred to yourself as 'he'/ Frodo pointed out bravely inside his head, since she could hear everything he thought anyway.

/So?/ Galadriel said creepily into his mind. /Have you met Celeborn, my lovely wife?/

Frodo started having convulsions and fell to the ground, frothing at the mouth.

/God, I love doing that!/ Galadriel thought happily.

"Don't worry about him," Aragorn said cheerfully. "That darn Ring makes him have seizures sometimes. He'll come out of it."

"Where is Legolas?" Galadriel asked (aloud this time). "My heart has greatly desired to look upon his fair—erm, speak to him."

Celeborn glared jealously at his wife.

"Legolas?" Aragorn said blankly. The members of the Fellowship looked at one another and shrugged their confusion. "Who's Legolas?"

"The Elf who joined the Ringship, of course!" Galadriel said sharply. When still more blank looks replied, she clarified, "Long blond hair? Eyes that alternate between blue and brown? Perfect complexion? Really nice a—"

Celeborn smacked her arm.

"Ow!" She whined petulantly. "Was that really necessary?"

"Oh, _him_," Aragorn said, nodding. "Well, he...um, he..."

"He, uh..." Sam said helpfully.

"Um..." Boromir added intelligently.

The Balrog just shrugged.

_Balrog?_

"You have replaced Legolas the Fair with a _Balrog of Morgoth?_" Galadriel wailed in a high, girly voice.

They all looked at each other.

"Oh, I remember!" Aragorn snapped his fingers. "The Balrog offered to guide us safely through Moria! He even said that he would help us get to Mordor!"

"But there was a price," Sam added thoughtfully, trying to remember what it was. Sometimes insignificant things slipped his mind.

"A _price?"_ Galadriel shrieked, beginning to hyperventilate. _"WHAT DID YOU GIVE IT?"_

"Um..." Aragorn mumbled, staring at the ground, twiddling his thumbs thoughtfully. "Hmm..."

"Food!" Merry and Pippin exclaimed in unison. "We gave it food!"

At the same time, Frodo, awakening from his Galadriel-induced seizure, said, "Legolas! We gave it Legolas!"

The nine members of the Fello—I mean Ringship looked at each other as it slowly began to dawn that they had probably done something stupid. The Balrog belched a fiery belch. The belch, oddly, smelled faintly of roses. A few strands of singed blond hair floated gently to the ground.

The glow surrounding Galadriel began to turn a dark greenish color. Her eyes turned completely black. Screaming in fury, she raised her arms and morphed into a horribly beautiful, horribly dangerous creature. "YOU KILLED LEGOLAS THE FAIR!" She screamed like a banshee. Birds hundreds of miles away flew as far and as fast as they could. "NEVER AGAIN SHALL I SEE HIS FAIR ASS—I MEAN FACE! You shall all burn in eternal torment!"

The Balrog whimpered and rubbed his stomach. His latest meal wasn't setting so well now. It had been bad enough to have an entire quiver of arrows fired into the inside of his stomach—now this? Even Balrogs were frightened of angry Elf-witches!

"AND I AM NOT AN ELF-WITCH!" The Elf-Witch roared. She raised her hands over her head. A blinding flash of green light engulfed the members of the Fell—Ringship. It was so bright it even engulfed the Balrog's orange glow.

Seconds later, there were nine neat circles of burnt grass—but no Fellowship of the Ring, or Fellowring of the Ship, or whatever the hell you wanted to call it.

Celeborn turned to his wife in horror as she morphed back into beautiful, white, glowy Galadriel. "What have you done?" He exclaimed. "You destroyed the Fellowship! They were Middle Earth's only hope of survival!" He smacked her arm again. "And you admitted you wanted to see Legolas' ass!"

"They fed him to the Balrog!" Galadriel whined, as if this justified frying all nine of them.

"THEY WERE GOING TO SAVE MIDDLE-EARTH!"

"I don't care!" She crossed her arms and looked pouty and stubborn. Celeborn cursed under his breath and walked over to search through the blackened grass where Frodo had been. The Ring had to be there somewhere.

After several moments of searching, Celeborn looked up. "Um...Galadriel," he asked carefully, "just how angry were you?"

Her eyes flashed dark green again. "VERY angry. More angry than I was with you when I was giving birth to Celebrian."

He winced as unpleasant memories rose to the surface. It had taken months for his hair to grow back. And he wasn't talking about the hair on his head.

Then his eyes began to widen. He gave the grass a few more moments, then stood. "Galadriel," he said, a note of hope creeping into his voice, "I think you destroyed the Ring!"

"I did?" Even the Elf-Witch who refused to admit she was an Elf-Witch looked surprised. "I _destroyed_ it?"

"To think you had all that power hidden within you," Celeborn whispered in amazement, "and all it took to unleash it was the destruction of a nice ass!"

"Legolas was more than a nice ass," Galadriel defended, then paused for a moment. "Okay," she admitted, "he was mostly just a nice ass."

So that was how the Ring was destroyed, and all of Middle-Earth was saved. In hindsight, perhaps it should have been called the Fellowship of the Toasted Ass, because it Middle-Earth was saved as the result of the Fellowship's fateful decision to feed Legolas the Fair Ass to a giant flame.

In the end, it seemed that the Balrog and Galadriel did agree on one subject: Legolas was good enough to eat.

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**(end)**


End file.
